


Totally Accurate War Simul(ation troopers)tor

by Jaakisaur



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Another group of Simuation troopers, Drabbles, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, M/M, South specifically lives, and one (1) freelancer, she deserves it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24261292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaakisaur/pseuds/Jaakisaur
Summary: Be stationed at Utopia they said,You will have the best experience of your life,But they said NOTHING about the giant murder ant and cracky purple green she-devil did they?Or, tales and drabbles from a different team of Reds and Blues
Relationships: Original Character/ Original Character
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Storms

It’s a pretty well known concept that the “Storms” on Utopia were better to be described as “ _Satan’s two hellchihuahua’s pissing and fighting_ ” were a universally life changing experience. Especially when then only humans on said planet have a natural reaction of, WFT?! to said storms. 

So when Private Angel (Seraphim) Durland got a knock on his door, he wasn’t as surprised as he should have been. Seeing as his little makeshift hut on the side of a mountain made for the sounds to be rather muted. He was not, however, prepared to see a member of his (technical) enemy, Private Jonsin (Frosty) Amani. Formal member of the Red army, part time gardener, and full time boyfriend, standing in front of his makeshift door made of some godforsaken armadillogator’s hide.

And Durland was a _second_ , from asking him what in the ever loving _fuck_ he was doing at his doorstep in rain and thunder that could easily electrify his skeleton and suit into nature’s weirdest natural phenomena when Frosty surges forward (just barely closing the door on the way in thank fuck) and throws his arms around him and buring his head into Durland’s chest, like he was some touch deprived fucko, which he wasn’t, and stating: “Okay, so it’s storming and i’m really afriad of storms...can we possibly cuddle?...” Like it answers all of Durland’s questions. Which it does by the way, but that wasn’t the point! Durland was going to pry those answers out of his boyfriend by the end of the storm. 

And so _what_ if he fell asleep, he was still going to get his answers! Probably.


	2. Beginning

Cris was beginning to see why the usual shipments of supplies were permanently cancelled. they would have preferred not to of course, but they were seeing it. It was rather hard not to, seeing as the ground was moving like it was made of pure water, and their base had sunk into said ground rather quickly, and they and their team had been forced to take out only their essentials. On the bright side, it looked like the same had happened to the Blue Base as well. So as they sludged along behind Cris and Durland,sleeping bag and food container in hand, they felt that they had something to look forward to.

A few hours later, the phenomenon they unloving dubbed The Quickdirt Incident came to a rather uncomfortable end. As the dirt that sloshed weirdly around them ankles quickly solidified and nearly trapped them. Then, on (arguably) safer terrain, they headed toward a speck that looked like a rather enticing forest. Around ten minutes later, they surprisingly met back up with the Blues, where both leaders set up a temporary truce as they searched for a place to set up their own respective bases and continue their war.

It was stupid really, probably just some sort of hallicination, because just how could that hill over there move?


	3. Accusation

**Audio log 1: Day 23 of travelling**

Durland: Does anyone have any idea where the food containers are?

Tansy: Not a clue Captain Sir!

Cris: They should be underneath the ammo box? Did you forget?

*Shuffling*

Durland: Huh.

Cris: Huh?

*More shuffling*

Cris: Huh.

Cris: That is, not good.

Tansy : You are quite right, it’s not, not at all.

*A deep breath can be heard*

Durland: WAKE UP CHUCKLEFUCKS!

*Loud audible thumps can be heard from various locations, along with a variety of curses*

Amani: ‘oly shit, your voice is loud, tone it down, some people need their beauty sleep, my friend.

Cullt: Yeah dude, my eardrums are ringing man, your like, seriously loud.

Durland: And I’m going to be until we settle this, put your armor on and wake up the other two!

*Groaning and footsteps are heard, one set leaving in a different direction. Later the clanking of armor on armor can be heard. Soft clanking can be heard before stopping at a certain point.*

Rapalti: Wha’s goin’ on? Why we wakin’ up so earla’

*A soft beep is heard which is accompanied by soft shuffling*

Durland: It has come to Cris, Tansy, and I’s attention that the last of the food in both containers have gone missing.

*Rapalti groans*

Rapalti: An’ what does tha’ have to do whit us?

Durland: This means that not one of you stole the food from the containers, so we now have no food left for the trip to the forest.

*The same beep can be heard again*

Durland: One of you would take all the food Tweets, because one of you is a selfish bastard that had no qualms about letting their teammates die.

Amani: Well if zhat's the case, I’m innocent.

Cris: We won’t know until we check.

Rapalti: What are you gonna check,the dirt? We literally like in paper thin tents that can barely fit us! Much less a shit ton of food!

Tansy: Oh, that’s a brilliant suggestion Rapalti! With this information, we’ll check your room first!

*Humming and skipping can be heard. Soon after, another pair of footsteps chase after and sputtering is faintly picked up.*

Durland: So, we will be thoroughly checking your tents. Anything that even hints at holding food will be completely combed through. No exceptions.

**No sounds were detected for several minutes, in which Sleep was initiated**

**—*—**

???: Gkraak

*Dirt can be heard being dug up, followed by [UNKNOWN ENTITY] presumably entering hole.* *Dirt can be heard being shifted and patted down.*

???:Triitiki~

**—*—**

Rapalti: Okay, there’s nothing in any of our tents, or anywhere around the perimeter of camp! Can we fucking go now?

Durland: No, we’re not leaving because we still ne-

Tansy: Oh would you look at that cutie? My first glimpse of a Utopian bird, and such a cute one at that~  
Cris: Um, I personally don’t think we should touch the bird. I mean, we know nothing abou- never mind, you already touched it.

Tansy: Of course I am, and you wouldn’t hurt we would you you precious little thing~

*A very vicious snap is heard*

Cullt: What was thaAaAaAaaAAAAAAA-

**End of log**

**Addition addendum:**

Tansy: Oh wasn’t today a doozy and a half! That cute little bird from early was actually a fake! Apart of a larger bird that nearly bit me in half~ It’s like an avian Angler Fish, the small bird lures in unsuspecting predators that it cobbles up! I’ve named it the Preencreeper, fitting isn’t it. On the bright side, we have more food! On the down side, my unfortunate injuries will slow us down for now. This is the substitute audio logs of aspiring scientist Tansy Swis, Bu-by!~


	4. Restless

Tweets is not tired. It should be, but it isn’t. 

Tweets does not know why. But it does know that Echoing-Buzz is here. 

And he makes it not confusing. Echoing-Buzz does not know what is wrong. 

Tweets doesn’t too, but Tweets knows a little more than Echoing-Buzz. Echoing-Buzz does not like Big Moon,he speaks that She is cruel. 

**It knows that She is not cruel. She is Angry.**

**Tweets can not say. But Her anger has transformed her children in Vessels.**

**Echoing-Buzz and Others come from Tweet’s sister moon. Sister moon is kind, and frail, and motherly.**

**Sister moon loves Her children and crafts Herself for their wellbeing. Tweets knows Her generosity had nearly Culled her.**

**Home, wary,only let them stay as a small Favor for Sister Moon. She is silent, wary, and cunning.**

**Big Moon is Angry. Big Moon rages with forces of all the lives She has ended.**

**Big Moon has let her anger bleed into her makings. Twisting most into hate-husks.**

Tweets lets Echoing-Buzz talk. It knows that they lucked out.

Forest has let them stay. Sister Moon’s presence had informed.

Forest informs hospitality is rare. Their stay was not without duty.

But Tweets cares not. Echoing-Buzz has nice tales.

It knows they won’t always be there. So Tweets lets it in now.

Tweets is restless. But restless in not all bad.


	5. Snowflakes

Rapalti  _ misses _ snowflakes, he honestly thought that he wouldn’t, he sure didn’t when he moved to the Moon. Seeing as he grew up in the Northern American wilderness, and a snowflake was a sign of an oncoming shitstorm, but he would rather take snowflakes than the sweltering heat forest that he for some reason decided to stay in. At least snowflakes showed up from time to time, actually looked pretty and were harmless, not the stupid Pedeathia that covered the trees all around his part of the forest.

_ And _ the fuckin night-mosquitoes kept him up at night so he  _ always  _ has to go to Tweets’ place because those little shits avoided it like the damn plague. So he stay in Tweets’ still somehow untouched tent and laments to high heavens about this stupid fucking planet their on, “Utopia” his ass. Because he had nothing better to do and what the fuck was Tweets gonna do about it?And  _ then _ he gets too comfortable complaining and falls asleep and wakes up all slobbery and shit and then he gets pissed off all over again. And whenever he comes out of Tweets’ tent the others are always saying things like;

“Oh, you shouldn't be doing that here. You don’t know what could happen.” And “You two need to stop, we can’t have compromised soldiers in the field.” 

Then he wants to go punch something, but when he gets ready to punch one of the fucking ten trillion tress in the place, he always remembers that he Ma used to tell him that every tree was it’s own special snowflake, and if you wouldn’t punch a snowflake, you shouldn’t punch a tree, or anything for that matter. And then he gets pissed because he just wanted a normal deployment where he could kick ass and take names later. He hates it here, he hates his dumbass teammates, and he hates that Tweets is here. He just wants to kick something’s ass and call it a day. But whenever he gets close to, he always remembers the fucking snowflakes. But at least snowflakes have a  _ fucking purpose _ . Not like these tree have anything to do other that, grow, fuck, and piss off. Damn it he misses home, back when he could look out at the window at that god awful snow that would pile up on the window and know in his fucking  _ bones _ that the day ahead was going to me goddamn  _ lit _ . 

But here he was, screaming into the pillow he brought with him, feeling Tweets’ eyes staring at him. And wishes that he could see another snowflake.


	6. Haze

South doesn’t know why she actually  _ let _ one of the fucking  _ simulation troopers _ join her on the  _ life or death _ mission.(It’s not really life or death, but it’s either get the relic or die trying in her opinion.) The bumbling fucking idiots built their base in the middle of a goddamn jungle for fucks sake! She wasn’t planning on bringing any of the fucks, and she didn’t, but two days later she found out that one of the shits, that bird fucker, had decided to fucking follow  _ her _ .

And the thing that pissed South off was that the shit  _ knew _ where the relics were so she couldn’t even put a bullet in her head and call it an accident. So she was forced to follow this mute fuck who she didn’t even know was telling the truth or not like a goddamn fool. And the second layer and the fuck cake was that her stupid ass stump wound opened up again forcing them to slow down, and the simulation trooper put some god awful paste on her she probably found on a carcass or something. So not only did she have to follow a maybe murderer, but she was wounded,  _ and _ she had some unknown substance on her arm that smelt like raw fucking dog-camel ass fuck in a paste. 

To make her experience an even more  _ enlightening _ one, when they finally reached the end of the jungle. There was a literal  _ wall _ of purple impending doom, and her oh so helpful guide fucking wrote out that they; “Would no longer be protected beyond the forest and that they should do everything short of run twenty-three Boston marathons to get to their destination. 

So here the Almighty South Dakota is, walking blindly in a haze so thick that they may as well be going in blind, with a  _ mute _ guide, in a less than safe environment with all sorts of unknown dangers probably staring at them with their beady shit-fuck eyes. In a haze that she  _ knew _ grew bigger by the day. She swears that by the end of this trip she’ll be with her brother, one way or another.


	7. Flames

Fire sucks, it’s bright, hot and kills a shit ton of creatures. Which also sucks, because humans just had the misfortune of needing fire to survive, which should have doomed them from the start. And fire in a dense jungle was a death sentence, so there was a collective decision  _ not _ to use fire until they could use it safely.

Which was a good idea, until nature said fuck you, and gave them a fire anyways. And the only relatively good thing was that the fire was pink. Of course, fire shouldn’t  _ be _ pink, so if was also under the ‘Oh shit we’re dead’ category’. 

Now you may be wondering, “Why don’t they just run away from the fire?”

One, you’re a fucking idiot, and two, they were also fucking idiots because they made their campsite in a large divot in the ground surrounded by rocks, and the only way out was  _ currently on fire _ .

Which meant that they were stuck in the middle of a  _ pink _ forest fire with smoke and all kinds of things in the air around them. Of course, those things didn’t matter because they had their armor on, but  _ still _ . And what was armor going to do against fucking two story tall ant bitch anyway?

Oh yeah, some fucking ant fell in their outcrop some time ago. Nobody actually  _ cared _ because they probably wouldn’t live, and they were pretty sure it thought the same thing. 

So their they were, sitting in a hole surrounded by fire with a giant murder ant with flames spewing all around them. Fire fucking sucks.


	8. Formal

Tansy is the very definition of proper, she has to be. In her line of work it’s practically mandatory. She walks proper, talks proper, she even sleeps proper, because she has too. Once she gets off the planet her parents will see how she was meant to go to Howard. So she practices and perfects herself while she waits, because it’s the right thing to do. 

Even when she feels like losing it she focuses on her goal because it’s the only thing keeping her going. She’s formal with Captain Durland, she’s formal with Private Tweets, and she’s formal with Agent South Dakota. So she can reach her goal, and some nights, she thinks of how absolutely  _ ludicrous  _ she is. Then shuts that mindset out, because it isn’t how she should be. Even when the Preencreeper nearly killed her, even when the jungle caught on fire, even when Agent South Dakota and Private Tweets went missing she forced herself to be proper, to be  _ normal _ . 

And Tansy knows, that when the rescue ships inevitably sent by Command will come and bring them back home, her family will finally be proud of her.


	9. Companions

It’s kind of weird how things turned out. They could remember years ago when they just used to be The Reds and The Blues. No names in a secret war that they were forced to fight in. Then the ground turned into slime and they got cut off from Command. Went on a journey, which in hindsight was rather anticlimactic. Settled down in a jungle with all sorts of murderbeasts. And lived like seminormal people, renovated a fallen tree into a farm and started from there. 

It was a bit far fetched to call them friends, but they weren’t enemies either. They were in a sort of middle ground. Not sure what to call their relationship. If one side was attacked, they would help. If the others lost an item, the other wouldn’t care unless it was important. At first they were just allies, willing to help to an extent and not without price. 

Then South showed up and unceremoniously flipped their normal lives on its head. She’s unnatural to them, cruel, and selfish. She tries to kill them, and when she fails, elects to take most of their valuable supplies and run off with Tweets. It’s sudden, jarring, and somewhat of an eye opener to them. Their first interaction with another human in who  _ knows _ how many years, and they decided to practically pillage their home and essentially kidnap one of their own. 

It’s then that they decided to put their (completely stupid) differences aside and track down the  _ Freelancer _ . Leaving only their loyal Inferno ant, lovingly, and accidentally, named Clonkbonkle, to care for the base. Because they  _ know _ that it wouldn’t even matter if they weren’t all there. It’s then that it’s realized that they relied on the other more than they’d cared to admit. 

Of course, companions are more trustworthy than allies.


	10. Move

“It was going to happen.”

“My l-little soldier is growing u-up so  _ faAst! _ ”

“We’ve known that this was inevitable since the agreement was made.”

“I’ll never see you again, you’ll have g-grown up so fast, you won’t even remember me!”

“Please stop sir. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Just let me mourn! I’m sending you off forever!”

If you were to overhear the conversation at hand, you probably would have thought that it was just an overly emotional father sending off his son to college. Only, you wouldn’t, because they were in the middle of a jungle, and the “Father” and “Son” were two fully grown soldiers. One of which took a light joke too far. 

“Sir, all I’m doing is securing the defogged area at the edge with South and and Rapulti. I’ll literally be back tomorrow.” That would be Cris, totally not going to college.

“I’ve been preparing for this day ever since I first saw you!” And that would be Captain Durland, who once heard a member of his team call him dad and hasn’t been the same since.

“Hey Fucksauce! Hurry your shit ass up! We need to get there before anything else does you tittyshit!” Ah, and there was South.

The “Big Moment” was an expedition to the edge of the jungle, where they had managed to clear out a section of fog where they would set up another base. Still a big moment but not the most common example.

So with “heartfelt goodbyes”, Cris, Tansy and Clonkbonkle, set off into the jungle. Completely fine for a couple of days.


	11. Silver

Silver is a unique color, one that reminds of the dull moments that still sparkled vividly in one’s memory. Silver also seemed to be the symbol of peace on Utopia, displayed in areas easy to find, like on tree bark. None know why or how it came to be, but most are too weary to care.

It’s mutually forbidden to enact physical violence with the intent to harm within the area. And all who do are to be shunned by all of Mubiana’s creations. 

Newcomers are given a temporary immunity, until it is deemed that they know better and from then on are held accountable for their misdeed. 

Silver is few and rare to come by. However, it is known that there is at least one Silver Area within a biome. So it is a greatly cherished commodity.

Beings of silver are Mubiana’s gifts, those who bear her marking are sacred within this world. To whatever reads this, remember this moment, because We will.


	12. Prepared

South hates being unprepared, it’s something she hates more than losing. It’s probably because of her military training and her experience in Project Freelancer, but not having everything she needed where she needed it was a notable pet peeve.

So living with the unorganized fucks that made up former Outpost Xi was a goddamn  _ nightmare _ . Leaves were  _ everywhere _ , on the ground, in the rooms, everywhere leaves should not be. Tools and weapons were strewn across the area, not even  _ close _ to being put up. And South  _ knows _ that it could be worse, even though she personally believed that Durland wasn’t getting on his teams’ asses enough. 

There are days she wished that she left them all behind and fucked off, but there are also days when she sees her old teammates in them and can’t bear to even  _ think _ of leaving. Group Xi isn’t even close to perfect, they manage to fuck up even the easiest of tasks, they piss her off on more than one occasion, and they are the reason that she didn’t get an AI. She could kill them, they wouldn’t even know, slaughter them all in their sleep. And she would have, but she made a  **promise** to her brother that she would destroy the world to keep.

_ (And anyway, these soldiers have the key to where every Xi is, and she’s not letting the opportunity pass her by. Afterall, she’s got to be the last freelancer, so she’s gotta go out with a bang.) _


	13. Knowledge

Rapalti has always been called the bluest berry of the bunch. He fucking hates it. Constantly praised in front of his peers and sibling. It’s stupid, he knows, he has what every child dreams of. Recognition, appreciation, things most kids only  _ dreamed _ of. But that’s why he hated it, because he doesn’t even  _ want _ to be special goddamn special, he wants to be normal. It hadn’t effected him that much at first, he just liked the attention. 

Then Tweets came into his life, and his perception of  _ everything _ changed. At first, he hated it, hated Tweets. As a child changes are fucking terrifying, and the source of the change is met with negative feedback. Then you get used to these changes, and your look on the world grows wider. Tweets was everything that he wasn’t, Rapalti was loud and obnoxious, Tweets was mute and solitary. He was selfish and valued himself over most else. Tweets is too kind and generous, and gives everything to others. 

They shouldn’t get along. Yet, they do. Everything about the one attracts the other and they latched onto each other eventually, but the wait only made their bond tighter. It was kind of like getting a double-yolked egg when you only expected one like normal. 

So Rapalti knows most everything about Tweets, and Tweets knows everything about him. So he knows that Tweets isn’t the most  _ cherished _ student, constantly pushed around by peers and teachers, told that they weren’t worth it or smart enough for school on the Moon. 

That only makes things funnier, because after Tweets came into his life he  _ suddenly _ got much smarter than he was previously. Because unlike the stupid fucks in his school, he bothered to learn sign language. It was a good decision too, because by  _ god _ his sibling was smart. Smarter than anyone he knew, and that was saying something.

  
So yeah, he hates it when he’s called smart. As Tweets told him, “Knowledge is power, but  _ wisdom _ is strength.”.


End file.
